Wednesday 18 May 2016

Can we spot the red warning flags and do we listen to our head or our heart or should we really only be listening and trusting our gut instinct?

Exactly 23 days is about betrayal in more than one guise. 

Not only is the main character the victim of the 'usual suspect' of having had one's husband engage in an affair but there is another betrayal for her too. I won't disclose the details of that second betrayal in this blog post because I don't want to be responsible for a spoiler alert for readers but it was completely unexpected and floors her just as her husbands affair had done. In her analysis post betrayal, she wondered if she could have seen those red flags that may have been warning her and therefore prevented the avalanche of pain that subsequently followed. 

Red flags apply to many aspects of relationships and not specifically to betrayal, so what can we do to make sure that we heed our inbuilt warning systems and look after our emotional and physical selves. 

One thing I have learnt when a relationship ends is that when you go right back to the very beginning with your magnifying glass and look really, really closely, you will see that there may not have been huge red flags waving at you BUT there was most definitely 'red bunting' fluttering in the breeze. So why did you ignore the bunting? Why did you wait until the huge red flag was right in front of you, ready to wrap itself around you like an 'I told you so' blanket? 

New relationships are meant to be fun, exciting, happy, full of hope and certainly something better than we have had before. After all you are not going to repeat that behaviour and get wrapped up and trapped again are you? Surely not. 

There is such a feeling of euphoria when you really 'like' somebody new. You don't want to think anything suspicious or bad about them because a) you wouldn't choose to think bad of somebody from the get go would you? Not when you are motivated from a core of kindness, (you only want to see the good in EVERYBODY), right? and b) you wouldn't choose somebody who had the capacity to wave red flags right in front of your face. You are a savvy, streetwise, educated woman. You're not going to KEEP getting it wrong surely!     

But what if your magnifying glass is dirty and you cannot see the 'red bunting' fluttering in the distance? The shitty attitude that he has when you didn't answer a text straight away, the raised eyebrows when you say you have a housing plan with a girlfriend that doesn't involve him, the 'slipped in' statement that he had jealousy issues in a previous relationship, the 'timetabled', detailed planning of everything you did together, the secrecy with his mobile phone, the excuses to take the dogs out for the fifth time that day, the overtime on his day off, the sudden enthusiasm to do the dishes when previously he had had a continuous affair with the sofa! etc, etc. 

You didn't see it because it was all so nicely gift wrapped in flowers, chocolates, nice meals out, impressive Valentines gifts, unusual birthday gifts, bottles of Prosecco, live music and dancing, great holidays, fun, laughter and tied up nicely with the pretty ribbons of attention, compliments galore, tender kisses that led to crescendo kisses, great sex and the euphoria of the feeling inside you when he declared that he loved you! 

What woman wouldn't want all of that? That's a perfect relationship isn't it? No bunting, no red flags, don't be stupid you tell yourself, you just 'imagined' that negative thought, you are paranoid because of past hurt. This guy is so nice!

Well HELL NO! Listen to the fluttering sound of that 'red bunting' because just over the horizon are the huge red flags of realism ready to be blown in on the breeze to waft against your body before the hurricane force winds eventually arrive and wrap that motherfucker red flag right around you like you are a swaddled baby who cannot escape! And then what? 

You're deeply involved by now, not only does he love you but you quite obviously love him too, you have children together, you work every hour god sends and he now controls your wages, your girlfriends have long gone because he now controls every aspect of your life. "Why have you done that?", "Why haven't you done this?", "I told you I wanted so and so?," "You're not going there", "you're not having that", "why are you texting him/her?" You are now so wrapped up and tightly bound by that red flag, that it might as well be a straight jacket. You can't escape. He's trapped you. Emotionally, financially and very likely physically too.

You look a shadow of your former self, there is pain in your eyes, your heart and your soul. You don't sleep, you either over eat or starve yourself, you dread him coming home, you dread his text messages, you dread him kissing you because you know he wants a shag (he no longer makes love to you, if indeed he ever did!), you dread the dawning light of each new day and you dread the fading light of each and every night. You dread every aspect of your life with him. 

You are now trapped in the vortex of abuse but until you realise that 'abuse' actually comes in many forms, you will keep trying to climb out of that vortex again and again. Where will you go, who can help?, nobody cares, I need him to survive, I can't manage financially on my own, I can't put my children through the misery of separating them from their dad, what will happen to the dogs, what if he finds me when I've gone? These are just some of the cogs going round and round in your head as you try to make sense of how you came to be so trapped. 

Trust yourself first and foremost. There is ALWAYS an answer and a way out and help IS always nearby but the answer and the help need searching for by YOU! They are not coming to you. Go out there and free yourself, free your soul, free your mind, free your heart, free your children. Find that help that is most definitely there. Slowly begin to enjoy your re-birth and as you embark on your journey don't listen to your heart, don't listen to your head, listen loud and clear to the flutter of the 'red bunting' as it gently warns you that the red flags are coming and that they are harsh, brutal, uncaring and patiently waiting to rob you of your core. Embrace the red bunting, smile inside as you recognise the symptoms of previous behaviours and listen to your new best friend, who just happens to be your 'GUT' feeling and practice acting upon those feelings in all aspects of your life and enjoy the new journey that is taking you to the most amazing adventure, free from disrespect and abuse and learn to love, respect and have pride in the new you that emerges. 

I love red bunting! The Red flags don't get anywhere near me anymore. 

     
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